Life

Ever since I can remember I have always felt unwanted. I don't know where these feelings come from. I wasn't adopted. I have loving parents and siblings. I have friends who would do anything for me, yet I can't help but feel like no one cares. I guess it would have to go back to when I was little. My dad was an alcoholic. I remember the first time I saw him drink. I was 5 or 6. My brothers and I used to peek around the doorway trying to scare my dad. He must not have seen me because I peeked around the doorway and saw him drinking. I think that was a turning point for me. It made me really confused and I didn't really understand it all. Up until that point I have been living a happy carefree life. After I learned that my dad was an alcoholic, I had to grow up really fast. My mom really had a hard time with my dad being an alcoholic and trying to raise 3 children under the age of 6 by herself. I don't really remember a whole lot from that time in my life because I have mentally blocked it out. I don't really remember much from my childhood. Everything that I think I remember I don't know if I actually remember it or if it is from a picture or a story. My mom's friend told me a story once of how she used to come over and see my mom. She would always look at me, but when she looked into my eyes they looked so sad and broken. My dad ended up going to treatment and when he came back she likes to say that my eye looked happy again. She found a rock that looks like a heart that has a scar on it from being broken. She gave it to me because she thought my heart had mended. While my heart might be mended that scar will forever be there. When I was doing a good chunk of my growing up my parents weren't around. I don't remember ever being able to talk to my mom. I can't go to my parents and just talk to them. I don't really trust them. They say that they would love me no matter how many bad choices I made, but a part of me doesn't believe them.